My School Tried to Arrest Me for Quoting Song Lyrics
January 06, 2015
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How an Inside Joke Got Me Thrown off a College Campus
01/06/15 by Hannah | Share on Facebook
So, I graduated from college a few weeks ago. (Yay me!) Like most universities, it's run by radical liberals but they have a locally well-respected honors program and they offered me a scholarship. Besides, who wouldn't get a kick out of seeing their professors made fun of on Fox News?
I was looking forward to never having to set foot on campus again after graduation day, but a week later it occurred to me that I had forgotten to return a rental textbook. So back I went. On the way out I got a call from my little brother, who would soon be boarding a plane on his way to an athletic tournament.
As usual, I started running him through a checklist of things I'm always afraid he'll forget. (Clean socks? Check. Toothbrush? Check. Seriously dude, CLEAN socks? Sort of.) Now, my brother and I have a running inside joke. We listen to a lot of the same music, and one of the bands we both enjoy is Streetlight Manifesto. In their song 'Everything Goes Numb,' part of the refrain is as follows:
Ski mask?/ Check./
So we always add that onto the end of any checklist we're going through. It's very clearly a joke. Out of the dozens of times we've done this, no one has ever actually believed that I am advising my teenage brother to bring with him a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun.
But then, just as I hung up the phone, I heard a voice call out to me from behind: 'Stop right there miss!'
I turned around to see a university police officer flagging me down. 'Sawed-off shotguns are illegal. Why do you have one, and what are you planning on doing with it?'
I tried to explain the joke. This moron didn't want to hear it. Instead, he launched into a lengthy explanation of how serious of a crime it was to bring guns onto campus. He demanded to know who I had been on the phone with. He demanded to know why I was on campus.
'Making threats of gun violence at a school when you aren't even supposed to be here? That's a big problem for me, and you could go to jail for a really long time,' he told me.
I was detained for forty-five minutes while he verified my ridiculous 'returning a textbook' story that was clearly just a ruse to explain my presence at the university I had just graduated from two weeks ago. He patted me down, ran my ID, and then gave me a very stern lecture about how he takes gun violence very seriously and I shouldn't even mention that guns exist anywhere near any school ever, and under absolutely no circumstances should I ever go anywhere near an actual gun, or a toy gun for that matter, unless it's attached to a police officer. Then, he asked for my ID one more time so he could file it and warn other officers about my psychopathic and clearly dangerous habit of quoting song lyrics that involve guns.
I handed him my Concealed Carry License.